Breast is Best!

Warning: I might step on some toes. I’m fine with it.

Before I was pregnant, (and through my whole pregnancy) my plan was to feed Nehem breastmilk exclusively. I would breastfeed him when we were home and then pump when I went back to work. I went through my insurance and ordered my pump when I was around 25 weeks pregnant, just so I could be prepared and could read all the manuals on the pump so I could do everything exactly right. When we found out that Nehem would be spending some time in the NICU, I would just pump until I was allowed to hold him. Then he would immediately latch and it would be blissful breastfeeding until he was AT LEAST a year. 

I’ve always been a huge supporter of breastfeeding. When I see women feeding their babies in public, I want to high five them. You go Mama! You grew a human and now your body is keeping that human alive and happy. It’s so amazing that our bodies are made to do that!

After all, breast is best, formula is poison, and you only love your baby if you feed them the milk straight from your own body, right?

As soon as I had Nehem and I was moved into recovery, they rolled a breast pump into my room and helped me get all hooked up. From that point on, I was pumping every 3 hours with no success. Nothing was coming out. They knew that Nehem would be having surgery the next day, so he couldn’t really eat yet, so no one was concerned. I wanted to be ready and have all the milk ready for him when he was ready to eat. So I pumped. And pumped. And pumped. I woke up every 2-3 hours and pumped. I talked to lactation consultants, and nurses, and googled. Everyone kept telling me how to boost my supply. “drink tons of water!” they said. “get Gatorade” the doctors told me. “eat oatmeal!” others said. “just be patient. It’ll come.” I was told. But isn’t bonding a huge part of helping your milk come in? And isn’t it harder when you have had a c-section?

The answer to both of those questions is yes.

You see, after I had Nehem, I didn’t see him for about 7 hours, (other than that 5 minute look I got right when he was born). I didn’t get that immediate skin to skin experience. I didn’t get to kiss and smell him. I didn’t get the typical birth experience. I knew that would be the case, and it’s ok, but my body wasn’t on board. By day 2, I was finally getting a few drops of colostrum. Literally just enough to swab Nehem’s mouth. I celebrated those drops and the NICU nurses were so, so sweet in celebrating with me.

My milk FINALLY a came in around day 5, but even then, I never had that really full feeling I was expecting. I still continued to pump every 2-3 hours during the day and every 3-4 hours at night. But I couldn’t keep up with Nehem’s intake even then. We supplemented, stayed on the slow flow nipples, I finally got some skin to skin (which helped a little). Even so, I couldn’t keep up.

Without being too graphic—I was hurting at this point. If you’ve ever pumped or breastfed, you know what I’m talking about it. And that’s all I’ll say about that.

A lactation consultant came in and groped me, showing me the most effective way to get Nehem to latch. It was frustrating for both of us, so we continued to supplement and I kept on pumping. This was NOT my plan, but once we got home and in our own environment, it would all change. Nehem would latch, I would become a milk goddess and we would throw out that poison, or “formula” as some may call it. It would be the start of a beautiful year (at least).

Except not.

My body could never keep up with Nehem. Then we found out he had a tongue tie. We got that snipped pretty quickly, but even then, he would latch for 15-20 minutes and still take a normal bottle immediately after. I continued to pump after we came home. I didn’t have time to pump QUITE as religiously, but I was still shooting for every 3-4 hours, and at least once at night.

But still, my body could not keep up.

After we were admitted to the hospital for the second time and Nehem had 2 more surgeries, my supply was almost non-existent. I was producing at most 1 oz per pumping session. And Nehem was eating 4 oz every 2 hours, just for a little perspective. I was a failure as a mother, or so the voices in my head told me. My body had failed me. And I was heartbroken that I would never have that bonding experience with my baby.

When we came home for good, I continued to pump for about a week longer, until Nehem was 5 weeks old. At this point, I had tried Gatorade, Oatmeal, Lactation Supplements, Power Pumps, and everything else I had been told would “boost” my supply. Nothing did it. I only had 3 weeks left before I would be going back to work, so I cleaned my pump parts for the last time and put my pump in the closet.

Cue the GASPS.

I was not going to spend the last 3 weeks I had with my newborn baby, who had been through 3 surgeries and spent 4 weeks on and off in a hospital room, hooked up to a machine trying to force milk out of my body. My baby was fed. He was thriving. He was getting rolls. He was happy. I was the one suffering.

I don’t know how many times I was asked if I was nursing. Every time I was (and still am) asked that question, I feel the blood rush to my face. I tell them that, no, I’m not nursing because I couldn’t produce enough. I felt ashamed. I felt like a failure. Because I SHOULD be able to feed my baby with my body.

But as I talked to more and more women, I realized that I am not alone. I have had countless women tell me that they, too, couldn’t produce enough for their babies so they switched to formula. The more I talked, the less guilt I felt, and now, I shake up my baby’s bottle with pride. Because isn’t it amazing that science has come so far that women like me don’t have to worry about their babies going hungry? Isn’t it amazing that there is a way to keep my baby alive when my body won’t cooperate? Thank you Lord, for people who are smarter than me!

Because breast is not best, Mamas. FED is best.

No one would disagree that breastmilk is "better" as far as the nutrients is gives. I've read tons about how breastmilk will change based on what your baby needs. That's amazing. I would never argue that breastmilk is really, really, really good for a baby. But you know what’s even worse than formula? A baby who’s starving because our society tells women that they are failures if they can’t, or don’t, breastfeed.

How about instead of shaming Mamas, or drilling into their heads that “breast is best” (a phrase that was never meant to compare formula to breastmilk), we tell them that “fed is best.” Because nobody wants their baby to be diagnosed with failure to thrive, or worse, because a Mom has been told formula is poison.

So, mamas, I challenge you to encourage fellow moms to be the best they can be to their baby. Whether you breast feed, formula feed, cloth diaper, use disposable diapers, have a c-section, a vaginal birth, get an epidural, have a natural labor, labor at home, a birth center, or a hospital you're doing a great job. Ladies, let’s empower and love one another. Let’s stop Mom-shaming. When our babies grow up and are talking in elementary school, is it really gonna matter to them whether we breastfed them or formula fed them?

No. It’s not.