Healing

If I had a nickel for every time I have heard the words “healing” or “miracle” since we got Nehem’s diagnosis on March 13 of this year, I wouldn’t have to work another day in my life.

Let no mistake be made, I believe in the Powerful God that I serve. I believe He heals. I believe in miracles. I also believe that Nehem, who was born with Spina Bifida, and other conditions that go along with Spina Bifida, is a miracle. *GASP* But he wasn’t healed! 

I think we put God inside a box. We open up the box and pull out our little God. We tell Him our demands or maybe you call them requests and then we put Him back inside the box and wait for him to work his magic and fulfill our requests. We want our requests answered a specific way, at a certain time. 

I’m not sure we understand how God works.

On the day we found out about Nehem’s defect Shane and I were devastated. We don’t have family in the area, and while we did have some family come down later that day, we needed someone to pray and talk with beforehand. Both of our other pastors from our church, who we love dearly, happened to be out town. Shane had gotten to know the Pastor from the other Nazarene church in Huntsville through a bi-weekly Pastor’s group, so Shane called him and asked if we could come pray with him. I love how God was working in this situation literally since day one. 

When we arrived at the church and walked into Pastor Scott’s office, he basically just asked us what we knew. We told him about the defect, the extra fluid on Nehem’s brain, and the chiari. We were still in shock. I felt like I was walking around in a dream. I’ll never forget the words Pastor Scott said after I stopped rambling. “I don’t think it’s any coincidence that we’re sitting here together today...” he went on to tell us how he, too, was born with severe hydrocephalus, went through several brain surgeries in his first few months of life, and is now a completely normal, walking, talking man. He prayed with us, listened to us, and said lots of encouraging things to us. 

He also reminded us that God knows our hearts. He told us that it’s OK to pray for healing for Nehem. Because let’s be honest, that would have been ideal.

Praying for complete healing is easy peasy lemon squeezy. Any of us can bow our heads and ask God to heal a sick body. The real challenge, the prayer that really takes strength, is asking God to fulfill His will. Not my own will. His will. 

Honestly, on that day, I had no idea what the future held for us. On that day, I didn’t know for sure if Nehem was going to live (that’s how little the high-risk OB explained to us about SB). I didn’t know what the rest of my pregnancy would look like. I didn’t know if I would be allowed to continue working with this sick baby inside of me. All I knew is that my perfect baby, the baby who I had waited 3 years for, wasn’t so perfect anymore. 

But the one thing I knew for sure? The one thing I never doubted, even for a second? Through the hurt, through the tears, through anger, through the absolute devastation, I knew that God was in control. I knew that His plan was better than mine.

That day, I started praying God’s will for my son, whether that was complete healing of his body, whether that was that Nehem didn’t make it (once I learned more about SB, I realized this was the least likely circumstance), whatever God’s will looked like, that’s what I wanted. I often wonder if God is teaching me that I’m not in control, because I’ve had to give up a lot of control in this situation.

I had people tell me not to believe what the doctors said, that Nehem was going to come out and be fine. I had people tell me that if I would just believe that Nehem was healed, he would be, but if I believed in what was in the ultrasound, that’s what would be in case you’re wondering, my Pastor husband assured me that that’s pretty terrible theology. I know that everyone meant well. I know that we have hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people who have been praying hard for Nehem for several months. I know that no one meant anything offensive by what they said to us, but we also knew what our prayers were.

I assume if you’re reading this blog, you already know that Nehem’s body was not “healed” in the way that everyone wanted (I say this very loosely). Nehem was born with a very large defect on his spine. The size of Nehem’s defect was not only a shock to Shane and myself, but also a shock to the doctors who had been closely watching me for many months. The effects of a lesion of this size should result in a lot of bad side effects: complete paralysis from the waist down, severe bathroom problems, and who knows what else? 

But here’s the kicker—Nehem moves his legs. Just this week he’s decided that he can not only move his right knee, but he’s also gonna bend his left knee independently. Nehem’s only 11 weeks old. I can’t imagine how else he’s going to defy odds, but I have no doubt that he will.

So, all of those months of praying for healing(because I wasn’t going to try to trick God into thinking I wouldn’t like that), all those months of praying for God’s will, I kinda feel like we got the whole package. I was fairly certain that Nehem wouldn’t come out with a completely healed body. I was mentally prepared for all of the worst things. But God has and is working in Nehem’s life. Through surgeons and medical technology, Nehem’s little body is a miracle. Yes, he has a condition that’s never gonna go away. Yes he’s going to face some challenges. But look at how much Glory our God has already gotten in just 11 weeks! As a sweet fellow SB mom said to me recently, about her sweet little girl, I would take a thousand Nehem’s exactly the way he is. I wouldn’t change anything about him. He’s perfect to me.

We’re not sitting around waiting on a miracle from God. We already have a miracle. Nehem is the miracle. Are you with me now?