Sacrifice

I hear that April is caesarean awareness month, and if I’m being honest, I didn’t even know that was a thing.

As most of you know, I had a scheduled c-section with Nehem. Let me tell you, it was not on my birth plan that I’ve been mentally writing for years. In fact, a c-section was at the very bottom of the list. I thought the worst thing that could have happened to me was a c-section.

Boy, is that laughable now.

When we found out that Nehem had Spina Bifida, it changed everything. Literally. When I talked to the Nurse Practitioner at Vanderbilt for the first time, she told me that I COULD have a vaginal birth, but they do encourage Moms with SB babies to consider a caesarean due to larger head sizes, and that they want to protect the lesion as much as possible. A vaginal birth can put more pressure on the lesion, causing it to possibly rupture and opening it up to infections. Apparently different doctors have different opinions on that, but I trusted my doctors. In the grand scheme of things, a c-section wasn’t all that scary sounding anymore.

There were a lot of things that scared me in the days leading up to Nehem’s birthday. But up toward the top of that  list was the fact that I was going to be having major surgery. The closest thing to surgery I had ever had was getting my wisdom teeth removed when I was 15 and that’s hardly surgery. And I was asleep for that surgery, I was going to be wide awake for the c-section. Completely aware of what was going on around me. While being cut open.

Um, can we say terr-i-fy-ing?

I know I’ve written Nehem’s birth story already, so you know how I was feeling when they took me into the OR. I hugged on a nurse anesthetist while they gave me a spinal. She tried to make small talk with me, but it’s kind of hard to carry on a conversation while someone is sticking a needle in your spine. They also informed me that I was already 4cm dilated. I remember thinking “So I could have done this on my own?!” Remember how I said Spina Bifida changed everything?

I guess I should also mention that Nehem was breech from about 25 weeks on, so I technically would have had to have a c-section anyway…

As I was lying there, waiting for Shane to come in, with my arms out to the side, watch my blood pressure and having annoying oxygen on my face, I heard my doctor say “no we will have to cut her this way” running her finger DOWN from my bellybutton. I remember saying “WAIT WHAT?!” But the decision was already made. I would be having a classical c-section. Meaning, they would cut my stomach and uterus vertically instead of horizontally.

Ya know, God had his hand on this entire situation. My pregnancy was pretty healthy, my blood pressure didn’t get dangerously high, my water didn’t break early, other than a few blood sugar issues (that were sorted out), I remained not concerning. I told my doctors from Vanderbilt since our first appointment there that I was the least important person in this whole equation and they could do WHATEVER they wanted to me, as long as Nehem stayed safe. And I meant it. I meant it with my entire heart. After performing the c-section, it was discovered that Nehem’s lesion was much larger than anyone realized. His head wasn’t incredibly large (it wasn’t small either), but had they cut me horizontally, the lesion may have not been as protected.

After Shane and Nehem left to head over to the NICU, that’s when the worst part of the entire experience started. You don’t feel what they’re doing or you’re not supposed to, but you feel tugging and pressure and all kinds of weird feelings. I thought surely they had to be almost done. The anesthesiologist who was “helping me stay calm” by trying to chit chat with me, looked over the curtain and said “probably about 30 more minutes!” At that point I began to panic. I could feel them stapling me up. I started telling her “um I can feel that. Hey, I feel that! Um excuse me…I feel that!!” I couldn’t move my legs, but I had feeling in my belly and I felt every single staple in my 10 inch incision. They couldn’t numb me anymore, but that started giving me meds in my IV to…”calm me down.” I have no idea what that meant or what it was. But it worked. I could still feel what was going on, but it was less alarming.

I only remember bits and pieces of the rest of that day. I remember asking my nurses a million times if I could go the the NICU yet. I remember my sister and my aunt massaging my legs to try to get feeling back. I probably dozed off a lot, but all I wanted was to get to my baby. I didn’t care how numb I was, I didn’t care about anything. I just wanted my baby. After 7 long hours I met my baby. I’ll repost the video at the bottom of this post, just because it makes my eyes leak every time I watch it.

My recovery was pretty easy from the c-section. I don’t really know if it was actually easy or if I just cared more about Nehem healing than myself. I was up showering the day after, and I had the most incredible nurses who spent time with me and loved on me and did things for me that I’m not sure I could do for another human being.

A caesarean is not the easy way out. I’m not less of a mother because I didn’t have a vaginal birth. I’m not MORE of a mother either. We are all mothers. We are all willing to do whatever we need, we are willing to abandon our perfect birth plan all for the safety of our children. I don’t have the option of attempting a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesaren) because I had a classical c-section. I'll never experience labor and that's ok. I’m still a mom. I have a 10 inch scar down my body that reminds me what I sacrificed for my son. 

If I love my son that much, I can't imagine how much God loves me. My scars are nothing compared to what he experienced for me.

I also have my hair fixed and make up done when I have a baby, so there's that.

Let’s continue to empower each other, Mamas. As long as our babies are happy and safe, we are all doing the best we can.