Diagnosis Day...Welcome to Holland!

 I want to start off by apologizing for being absent from our blog. I've started multiple posts, but just haven't been able to finish any of them. Call it a writers block, call it trying to be a wife, a mom, a teacher, and just a human. I'm not really sure. But hey I'm still here!

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."'

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." 

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
-Emily Perl Kinglsey

I never dreamt of going to Holland. I’ve honestly never really dreamt of going to Italy either. My bucket list destination is Hawaii. So when I read that poem, I replace Italy with Hawaii. I’m not sure if I’ll ever make it there or not, but right now, I’m hanging out in Holland.

One year ago, my flight landed in Holland. I remember so, so vividly the way that doctor said “neural tube defect.” I remember, like it was yesterday, how she asked me if I was sure I wanted to “go through with this.” I want to forget, but I can’t forget, how shattered I felt.

Last night, I sat and rocked my sweet, sweet seven month old baby and thought back on the thoughts I was having at this time last year. I didn’t really feel like Nehem was my baby. He was a baby moving around inside of me, but I felt so disconnected from him. It took me some time to feel connected to him again. To call him by his name. To begin buying things for him again. To see him as more than just Spina Bifida. It’s really hard for me to think back on now. To be honest, it makes me feel really guilty. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him. It wasn’t that I didn’t think I’d love him, or even that I didn’t love him in the moment. Because I did. I loved him so much, but at the time, he was just a diagnosis.

Now, one year removed from Diagnosis Day, I see that I am blessed, far more than I deserve by my son. He is my baby. I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the entire world. I’d cry all the tears, lose all the sleep, and worry all the worries a million times over if it means I get to rock him every night before bed.

Not everyday is easy. There have been some tough, tough days in the last year. But loving him is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I’m so thankful to be in Holland.

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart
    and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”