Two Months of Nehem

Sorry that it’s been so long since I’ve blogged. To be honest, things have been a little boring, at least in the world of Nehem and Spina Bifida which I’m totally ok with. We’ve had some follow up appointments which have all gone well. Nehem has started Physical Therapy through Early Intervention. We have snuggled...a lot. Oh and Shane and I thought it would be the perfect time in our lives to move. It’s less than a mile up the road into our church parsonage, but it’s still a move. So while things are boring health-wise, life is definitely not boring.

As we approach Nehem’s second month “birthday” I can’t help but think back on where I was mentally and emotionally 2 months ago. Up until that point, I was at peace with Spina Bifida and all that came with it. However, the last 2ish weeks before my due date I had a lot of meltdowns. I was terrified of the unknown. I felt myself getting really upset when people (even family) would say something about Nehem being born early. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to have to watch my tiny baby go through what he was going to have to go through. I wasn’t ready for the NICU. I wasn’t ready for surgeries. I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold him for a while, so that wasn’t even motivation for me. While he was growing inside of me, I was in control for the most part.  Nehem was safe inside of me. He didn’t have to feel any pain there. When Nehem was born I would completely lose control of the situation and Nehem’s doctors would take over. I trusted them, but I wasn’t ready.

What if his problems are far more serious than what we can see on the ultrasound? Is he going to cry when he’s born? Am I going to get to see him? Touch him? When will he have surgery? How big will his head be? That may sound funny, but with the hydrocephalus I didn’t know what to expect! Will he need a shunt immediately? Will he be able to breathe on his own? Eat on his own? 

These were just a few of the questions that ran through my head on a daily basis. Not to mention all the things I feared for my c-section. As excited as I was to meet Nehem, I wasn’t ready for him to get here. I spent a lot of time praying. It was even hard for me to tell Shane how I was feeling. I trusted God and I knew he would take care of Nehem, but I’m still human and Nehem is still my baby and I couldn’t help but fear the unknown.

Fast forward 8 weeks later. My eyes get a little watery when I think about all we’ve been through in 8 weeks. Surgeries, hospital stays, sleep rooms, feeding tubes, bandages, pain management, and ER visits, just to name a few. 

I also think about the snuggles, the first time I picked Nehem up because he was crying and he immediately was soothed in my arms. I think about the smiles he’s starting to give me, the naps we take together, how dang cute he looks in every outfit I put him in. The way my heart melts when Shane and Nehem snuggle. 

To think that we’ve only been home about a month and we have been through so much in such a short amount of time blows my mind. It’s been such a rollercoaster of emotions and I’m not gonna lie, I was in a dark place when we found out Nehem had to have a second surgery and a shunt. I felt like we had taken so many steps forward and then took about 16 steps back. But now, here we are, one month later. I am finally starting to feel a sense of normalcy. We are starting to establish routines. Most of the time, Spina Bifida is an after thought. I just feel like Nehem is a normal baby who wants to be held and fed and has an hour each evening that he wants to fuss. A sweet fellow SB mama told me these days were coming, and I had a hard time believing her. 

I am so thankful for where we are and how far Nehem has come. I couldn’t be more proud of him and every night before I lay him in his crib I pray the same prayer over him that I have prayed since I found out that he existed:

That God will use Nehem’s life to bring glory, honor, and praise to His name.